As I was searching the scriptures, my eyes were opened to a different view. Stick with me for a second.
I have mentioned within several posts of being in a wilderness experience. In this experience, there has been lots of turmoil and my only way through has been to place my focus on God. There have been many spiritual battles along the way, which have changed the core of who I once was. My strength is not at the level it formerly has been. My mental capacity has become limited in the things in which I am willing to carry. That has meant concentrating on giving everything to God and inquiring of Him for direction on when I should move. This, of course, has been a daily process, one in which I am still learning, and still growing. I tend to pick things back up, but quickly am reminded of who is in control and where my strength and hope lies.
I have considered these changes in myself to be productive within the aspect of my spiritual growth, but often heartbreaking as I stepped through each phase of the process. This sense of brokenness has been felt, because my life seems to be so distant from life as I thought and feel it should be.
“I’m missing out on life. I have no life.”, are words I have often found myself stating, for the reason that the life I currently have is focused so much on the healing of another. I recognize that God has placed me in this state because of His trust in me to stay in the fight and to never give up on my obligation to fulfill what He has laid within my path to complete.
In my reading, I came across this passage of scripture in the book of Psalms.
Psalms 55:6-7 (NLT) says,
6 Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
7 I would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
“…to the quiet of the wilderness.”
Wow! I really haven’t sat down to think about the quiet of my wilderness. Who knew that the wilderness could be experienced as a way of escape from the problems and pressures of life. For so long, I have believed my wilderness experience to be solely dreadful; no real happiness or fulfillment until I am able to get all the way through.
Let’s take a look at this for a moment.
I have felt alone and somewhat lost and often confused in my understanding of “How long, God? How long?” I have never lost my faith in God because I am clear that He is the God of the impossible and that His timing is always perfect and right, even during those times that I don’t quite understand. But I never thought about how this wilderness experience has also been a place of quiet rest in the Lord. I did not choose it, but it chose me.
Before all of the heartache and sadness and disappointments and days of discouragement came on the scene, I did not always look for God in every step of my journey. Of course, I always knew that He was and still is right by my side, but just because He has always been there, my focus has not constantly been turned towards Him. I was not in continual development of my relationship with Him.
During this “quiet of the wilderness”, with just me and my Savior, I feel His presence and am searching for Him in every new development, because I am desperate to find Him and know that I truly am not alone. God has allowed me to experience wings like a dove and I have flown away, without knowing it, from the mundane and business as usual state of my life, in order to find rest in Him!
Looking on as a bystander, one might not visibly see the transformation that has taken place; but me and my Savior, we are definitely connected and on the same page. I have learned that regardless if I cooperate with Him, His plan for me cannot be stopped. These days, I am quicker to agree with Him, and to see when I say “No!”, my heart changing to “Yes!” at a faster rate. I am making it my choice to walk closely with Him.
My physical body is still tense, a lot of days, and the weights have been visibly noticeable through the years, but my connection to God and my ear to hear what He has to say to me has been strengthened. I have had the opportunity to link up with some of the plans that He has for me, because my heart is more willing to hastily follow the call.
My view of myself throughout the years has often been limited, from that of a quiet and shy child, who often would only communicate within the confines of my immediate family. I did not always feel safe to express myself and to reveal to others what God has placed inside of me. I truly have had many moments of feeling as though I am not enough. Others around me, seemed to have been gifted with outward representations of God’s favor that displays their gifts and talents for all to see. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that I AM really enough. The bountiful gifts and talents that God has placed in my life are enough to be used by Him. Because of His glory, they will touch someone’s life and be utilized as a way to reach the lost, if I will but put into action what He assigns my hands to do.
When I focus on Him and remember that I’m not the one that people will see, but that all is for His glory, then I am able to finish the process and find peace as I go all the way through. I have been separated for a purpose!
I want to take this point in the history of your life to encourage you to take hold of the quiet of the wilderness. That time, that space, seeks to transform you.
You are more than enough. Don’t look back. Finish the process. Perhaps, you too, have been separated for a purpose. Watch God move.
Lord, I know that I am never alone because You are always with me, granting me the strength to do all things through Your Son Jesus Christ. Let me be found walking in the purpose that You have for me. As I go through each step, I desire to walk in that rest that the quiet of the wilderness offers to me. The good You see in me is enough to be used by You. Order my steps and guide me into the paths You desire for me to take and let my life be a witness to others. The change that You have brought about in my journey, even when I felt as though my life has been standing still, let it be used for Your glory. I will stay in the fight because the battle is not mine it belongs to You and the Victory belongs to Jesus, which means I, too, am victorious. I will not give up, I will believe. I will cooperate with You and watch You move. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Not my will but Your will be done. Amen.
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